I didn't know

I always knew I don’t know shit

But this last year added a thousand new didn’t knows

I didn’t know how incompetent the governing bodies of Israel were one year ago

I didn’t know how our internal conflicts weakened us

I didn’t know how much we are not allowed to be weak

I didn’t know all those days in the beginning where my son was

I didn’t know how much energy anguish gives

I didn’t know evil

I didn’t know our enemies

I didn’t know we are wanted to be wiped of this earth by so many still

I didn’t know how bad the situation was in the streets of Europe

I didn’t know how dumb the average American college student is

I didn’t know how much money had been poured in fragile systems by our enemies

I didn’t know how much the Psoas and the connecting muscles in the ribs store sorrow and stress

I didn’t know how grounding grass can be

I didn’t know how much this country is not like any other country in the world

I didn’t know we will always need a Jewish state

I didn’t know how much grief and love you can feel for strangers

I didn’t know what it felt like in a saferoom hearing explosions outside

I didn’t know how people lived in the communities around Gaza since 2005

I didn’t know the name of the kibbutz there where my friend grew up

I didn’t know how strong women are in my surroundings

I didn’t know how much rape is used by monsters as tactics of war

I didn’t know what a farce the Women Organizations of the world really are

I didn’t know how deeply rooted and organized evil and antisemitism is all over the world

I didn’t know that being first in news is more reliable than having the facts straight

I didn’t know how dangerous fake news is

I didn’t know how immense not fake my friendships are

I didn’t know my brother in the Caribbean wasn’t a brother after all

I didn’t know how naïvely surprised I was when the “Yes, but..” started to flow

I didn’t know the ‘Yes, but..’ would come from the parents of a very close friend

I didn’t know how well I knew the moral compasses of my loved ones

I didn’t know that a Just moral compass is actually very simple

I didn’t know the best advice; to keep my heart open, was also the toughest

I didn’t know how different mentalities and cultures can be

I didn’t know you can celebrate everyday life and grief in the same breath

I didn’t know how dissonance felt in my heart

I didn’t know what motherhood means in this country

I didn’t know what motherhood felt like in this country

I didn’t know how much I admire Generations Y and Z

I didn’t know how much the people of this country are resilient

I didn’t know how much Israelis and Jews everywhere have no other choice then to be resilient, not now, not during the Russian pogroms in the 1800’s, not during the Spanish inquisition, not during the Razzias in Nazi Germany.

I do know how much light comes through the cracks